Tattoo...

...ehemmmm...
...not body tho'...
but these...








...kakak's...I thought it was not yet finished eventho' she already wore it last Sunday to KK...she told me it represent darkness and light...her interpretation of her drawings...








...Adek's..."cantik kah, cantik kah ni" she asked, showing me a beautiful sketch of heart motif...was a bit surprised when she painted this tho...I guessed it is a bit easier to manipulate only one colour...




..."eh tembirang lah tu kan, suka betul lukis hantu jepun ni" I heard the girls saying as soon as their Uncle Joko return home one night...this was really a surprise tho..."oohhh...ko pakai cat yang baru saya beli pula tu ah" hubby garang2 kunu cakap sama si Joko...he even told us that some of his friends are interested...hmmmmmmm...

...later...

My mothers...

Mak...

I do not need to wait for Mother's Day to remember you by...
Wherever you are...
You're always in my prayer...
Always in my heart...
Rest in peace...
You're in good hands...
You're in a better place...
Till we meet again mak...
Until then...Alfatihah...Amin










...a studio photo when there's only 3 of us siblings...
...except for Bapa's, all our clothes were sewn by mak...
...mak, if only I can taste your cooking one more time...






Mummy...


Thank you for giving me the opportunity...
For letting me be a daughter again...
You're one of a kind...
I am honoured...



...Alli took this photo of mummy holding some mangoes she picked from the small orchard beside the house...a big woman with a big heart to match it...mummy may good health and happiness be with you all the time...


I am blessed...

Inspirations...

Last night...

Hubby told me an inspirational story narrated to him by Chai during their lunch together on last Tuesday...

...some time in the 80s Chai was doing research work at Danum Valley...he met this one gardener who worked there...the gardener was still there when Chai was doing another research work some time in the 90s...

...this gardener is weirdly special...weird because he would take whatever seeds he found and started to plant them...special because in this way he would be able to monitor the progress of the plants, nurtured them, watch them grew and understand them right from their seed...a self-gained knowledge that others might perceive as something that is merely done just to kill time...nothing out of the ordinary tho, after all, he is the gardener...

...but I guessed little did everyone knew that this hands-on-self-gained-knowledge would open up the path to a new world to the gardener...he was very passionate about what he did and over time he became an "expert" on these plants....so much so that when a group of students from the UK were doing their thesis...he was there teaching them about the plants...they were very impressed with his knowledge...I mean who wouldn't...a lowly worker who most of the time did not even deserve a nod of our head...a lowly worker whose existence is none to some of us...

...the gardener was later joined by his nephew at his workplace and he instilled the same passion into him...his indepth knowledge of the plants won the heart of the students that they suggested he went to the UK and worked in one of the green houses there...he went there in 1999 (if I'm not mistaken)...he is still there...still doing what he did when he went there...lecturing!!!

I was very sure about one thing...
...one does not need credentials to change one's life...
...one does not need all the worldly materials to transform one's life...
...it takes a little bit of passion...
...it takes a little bit of confidence...
...it takes a little bit of desire...
...this is what I believe...

I forgot to mention one thing tho about this gardener...oops two things actually...
...from a non-english-talking-person, he is now lecturing in UK...
...it gets even better...the gardener is a Timorese!!!

Talking about inspiration, I was inspired by what I saw in one of the blogs...I was forever harassed by my colleagues to make use of my children's artistics talent...a talent that they inherited from their father...

I have bought all the necessary materials for them to experiment with but their father dearest has beat them to it...

This morning hubby showed me this...he did them last night...an image of the Borneon Bristlehead, the 5 star-endemic-sought-after-close-to-his-heart bird, hand-drawn on one of his hiking boots (http://www.flickr.com/photos/jordansitorus/3185219520/in/photostream/)

...inspirational stories are abound...
...if we look closely, the doors of opportunity are everywhere...
...if we look closely, the windows of opportunity are there...
...we see them...
...but how many take a good look inside...
what we're good at...
what we're best at doing at...
...be a spectator...
...be an audience...
It's no longer enough for me tho...
I'm feeling inspired these past few days...
It's a wonderful feeling...
It's a mighty wonderful feeling when you shared them with your family...

Ticked off...

Last Monday...

Self : Hari ni buli slot in kah...
E : Oohh banyak betul kereta oh...itu orang berbaris sampai luar...besok buli kah...jam 9.00...
Self : Ok...thanks ah...

Last Tuesday...

Self : 2nd service and ada few things yang I mau dorang tengok...saya mau fully synthetic ah...
E : Eh Triton tiada oh...1 jenis saja minyak dia...
Self : Bah ok lah...tolong suruh check ada squeaking sound di bahagian tayar...mau kena kasi greasing...kami suda guna WD40 tapi itu bunyi balik lagi...lepas tu tolong juga suruh dorang check ini ah...kalau 1000rpm ada mau bunyi kasar sikit...
E : Di engine kah...
Self : Inda tau la tuh...time slow ada bunyi macam kasar sikit...
E : Eh kalau gitu dorang mau kena test drive tu...kau mau tunggu kah...
Self : Eh tidak...saya rushing ni...my colleague nanti ambil saya...you call me la kalo sudah siap...


Well, what can I say. Barely into her 2nd month with us, the triton has to go for her 2nd service as she has already ate up 5800km. Pity her tho but she is doing a splendid job in plying the 115km-5-day-ride from Tuaran to Putatan and not to mention the ride up to the mountain every weekend.


Afer lunch I called up the service centre only to be told that it is not ready yet. I was only called back after 3pm to collect the car and reached the office slightly after 4pm.

When hubby reached home that night...I was in the kitchen preparing dinner...

Hubby : Jadi macam mana kereta...
Self : Mau tau...nasib masa masuk kereta, I check bill...adakah dorang charge cuci kereta padahal indada...
Hubby : Adakah dorang buat...
Self : Eh panjang cerita ni...mesti mau cerita perl...
Hubby : (cutting me off)...ya ka tidak...
Self : Tiada lah kali...sampai ofis tadi I ungat-ungat kereta tu masi juga ada bunyi...
Hubby : Aduiiii...ini lah time yang paling bagus...(tone lain macam suda...menengok pun berkerut2 kening)


I somehow felt that he's blaming me for not making sure that all those things were done. I continued with cooking when hubby came behind me...

Hubby : Bukan saya marah sama kau ni ah...
Self : (silent)
Hubby : Kau dengar kah...
Self : Ya lah...(I did not even look at him)


I'm afraid the damage was done. I myself was angry. All of a sudden the chronology of the day's events flashed back into memory. I started to reminisce...all I need was a bit of understanding on the inconveniences I encountered when servicing the car...

1. I called up Aines to fetch me up at the service centre. She somehow rather did not tell me that she had an appointment with a customer that morning. Just because she had to pick me up, she asked the customer to meet her a bit later. I only knew about this when she rushed out again slightly after reaching the office. This is guilt no. 1.

2. I managed to get one of the boys to send me to the service centre. My exact words..."Ada siapa2 free kah nanti? Mau minta tumpang pigi ambil kereta?...to which Toby voluntereed. I knew that nowadays the boys are drowning in their jobs but you would rarely get a disappointing answer from them. As best as they can, they would accommodate your requests, be it official or personal. We're a close knit small community after all. Nearing 3.30pm I buzzed Toby telling him that I would be waiting for him downstairs. I waited for quite a while when he called, asked me to wait coz 'ada kerja sikit' he told me. When he came down, he apologized to me for being late. Geezzz...I think it should be the other way around. This is guilt no. 2.

3. I paid up without even inspecting the bill. Luckily when I was inside the car I pulled out the bill and noticed I was being charged for body and engine wash. Upon inspection I noticed that it was not done as the same stain at the passenger's door is still there. I went back to the payment counter and was given a raincheck on the body and engine wash. I rushed as quickly back to the office. There are tons to do before the Big Man is going away for his leave. I gave the car a shake on the rear tyre, and there it was, the squeaking sound. Somehow I knew then the rest of the request which I scribbled on a piece of paper for them to do was not done. This is ticked off no. 1.

4. I got ticked off no. 2 when hubby started to let go some steam. I also knew that he was not really angry with me but I also could not help feeling that he's blaming me a bit. It's in the tone. It's in the reaction.

I never like it when he asked me to do stuff for the cars. To me, it's a man job. Never like it, never will be. For God's sake I don't even know how to pump up the tyre. I know I should. Basic mah...so what if I don't want to learn. My loss, my own problem.

So now I'm in a semi-silent mode...
Maybe that happens when you live some time apart...communication gets rusty...
Or maybe the timing is not right...it's those monthly thingy...

Maybe I'll go there...
To those "happy" places a lot of people seems to go to...
...whenever they're feeling down...
I don't have it yet...
But I think I'll go here...
...at least this time...

Reunited...

Some time in early January...


With the haste and drastic decision taken during December, hubby and myself decided to take a week off in order to settle the children's schooling matters. It was a tedious task to say the least, going to and fro from the old schools to the new schools. Patience was wearing very thin by the minute and day. I was very concerned with hubby as he was not exactly a patient person but remarkably he weathered the sometimes nonsense issues we encountered from time to time.


One day, during our drive back to KK from the new schools in Tuaran...

Hubby : Macam mau pigi jumpa Big Boss nanti...mau appeal...
Self : Bah mari lah...
Hubby : (taken aback)...hari ni?
Self : Ya lah...we urus la whatever we can urus...radu satu kali ja...
Hubby : Tapi belum submit lagi transfer form...
Self : Ndak peduli la bah tu...your bos kali sudah pun cakap sama head office...


During the drive, hubby started an Answer and Question session with me. I guessed he was a bit jittery meeting the boss and he wanted everything to go well during the meeting. He was a bit miffed when I reluctantly participated...

Hubby : Kita mesti anticipate apa yang boss mau tanya nanti...
Self : Don't worry la bah...I know what to answer nanti...


Hubby might have forgotten that I have done this before with the previous boss. I went alone to see the big man appealing for his transfer from Sandakan to KK.

The meeting was very brief and all the talking was done by hubby. Most of the time I nodded in agreement, put in a few words and smiled, smiled and smiled.

We, or rather I, did not stop there. I followed up the meeting with a letter...a personal letter from me to the big boss. I guessed there are times when we need to emphasise our stance on some matters what more with the ones that involves our lives.






Dear Encik Xxxxx,

First and foremost, I would like to thank you for your generosity in sparing a few minutes of your time to see myself and Jordan last week pertaining to his request for transfer from F.T. Labuan to Kota Kinabalu. We knew how tight your schedule was and we appreciate your gesture very much.

Before I go any further, I would like to apologize to you for any inconvenience caused for writing this letter to you as I see no other option to voice my concern over Jordan’s transfer. My only reason for writing this letter is to seek your utmost consideration for his speedy transfer to Kota Kinabalu.

As we have informed you during the meeting, the wellbeing and welfare of our children are of paramount importance. For stability and security purposes, we have uprooted them from their urban schools in Kota Kinabalu and transferred them to Tuaran. I guessed in the process we have underestimated the culture shock that they would encounter towards their new schools. I have to admit that I could no longer handle matters concerning the children alone and they on the other hand desperately need their father’s support and guidance. I would not want to sound imposing but rather implore for your utmost kindness to expedite his transfer.

As a wife, I believed that I have been very supportive towards Jordan’s career all this while to the extent of willingly to live separately. All this while even with difficulty we manage to carry on with our lives but the children’s new development made us aware that it has taken a toll on them, be it emotionally as well as education wise. As parents and I believed as any parents faced with this kind of situation, we could not simply put a blind eye to this matter any longer.

Encik Xxxxx, I think I have taken much of your time but before I penned off I would like to take this opportunity to thank you for your support towards Jordan’s career enhancement. I would also like to take this opportunity to once again plead for your utmost consideration for Jordan’s speedy transfer to Kota Kinabalu.

Your kindness and compassion towards the above matter is highly appreciated.

Thank you.



I prayed...
Hubby prayed...
The children prayed...

19 March 2009...
...we are whole again...

Our new life...

Little did I know...


Some time in December last...at the office...before Christmas...

Momoi : Bah siapa cuti time buka school...
Aines : I mau cuti...
Momoi : Ko Ton?
Self : Inda la.....
Momoi : Kenapa pula ko inda cuti?
Self : Anak2 I kan continue ja...Aines sebab Ally baru masuk Darjah 1...


Some time in December last...at home...after Christmas...

Hubby : So, how? Ita said better if Kakak school di Tuaran...
Self : (silent)
Hubby : Bagus juga kalau si Adek pun di sana...Alli stay with us la...
Self : (long silent)
Hubby : Ada juga betul cakap si Ita tu...PMR ni ok lagi...SPM ni si Kakak perlu tempat yang tenang...
Self : (still silent)
Hubby : Jadi apa pikiran?


I pondered heavily on the recent incident that had happened before...
...that is still happening...
...that is showing no sign of receding...

I closed my eyes...
Deep in thought...
Playing and rewinding my memory...
And in the shortest span of record time...
I reached a lightning decision...
A do or die decision...
A decision that I believed I should have taken a long time ago...
Just because I was a coward...
Just because I was afraid...


Then I dropped the bombshell...

Self : Kalau kita semua pindah pun ok juga bah...
Hubby : Hah...betul bah ni...(was hubby in a BIG surprise, big caused I rejected this idea before and I was never short of excuses then...)
Self : Betul bah...
Hubby : Betul?
Self : Iya...
Hubby : Betul bah ni...
Self : Iya bah...kalau dipikir-pikir apa juga yang I mau ni actually...apa yang mau dikejar sebenarnya...kesian budak2 tu...lama suda dorang suffering...
Hubby : Bole suda call Mummy kasi tau dorang this news...
Self : (nodding)


So, in a flash we left our present life behind just as 2008 is closing its chapter.
We prepared ourselves for the upheavel and ruckus that we knew is coming as 2009 is closing in.
When we broke the news to the children, we noticed that they received it with mixed feelings.
Happy caused they loved living at kampung, a friend once told me..."heran juga anak2 kau ni...orang mati2 mau pigi bandar...dorang pula suka di kampung"...
Sad because they are leaving their friends behind...


After all the hiccups of moving house...
After all the glitches of switching school...
After all the seemingly endless lectures and comfort talks...
We ride through the stormy blend of emotional turmoil...
We drive right ahead through the foggy journey...
We received come what may with open arms...
We received come what may with open hearts...


Caused we knew...
There is nothing more sweeter in this world...
Nothing beats the feeling...
...of being at home sweet home...

...hubby and Alli burning the rubbish...di KK inda pernah dapat buat gini...

...under hubby's supervision, Alli could not seem to go far away from the fire...

...Kakak and Adek joined in...

...kakak and Alli played their old bikes...

...Tiger, the puppy that Uncle Dohoi gave to mummy likes to follow the children biking...

...Tiger seemed to listen to what hubby said...

...hubby mowing the lawn...

...still mowing biar sudah gelap...semangat...

My, my, my...
How very little did I know...

The greatest gift...

Life is indeed strange…
When you’re not looking…when you’re not searching…
There he was…out of nowhere…holding out his hand to you…
Come with me…he gestured to you…
Follow me…he seemed to say…
Is it a figment of your imagination?
Is your mind playing tricks on you?
You become confused…you hesitated…

Is he mad, you asked yourself…
You looked hard at yourself…
You looked at him…
You looked at yourself again…
Yes, that is what he is…he is mad you said to yourself…

Is he playing a prank on you, you can’t help asking yourself again…
You are not sure…you are not certain…
One thing you are sure of…
You are never going to let your guard down…
You are never going to let yourself down…
That’s what you think…that’s what you told yourself

Yet you took his hand…yet you let him lead you away…
Still uncertain…still unsure…

Like a chapter from your favourite Mills and Boon…
Like a beautiful dream embracing your silent nightly slumber…
A tall, dark, handsome man…
A knight in shining amour…
Dashing into your life…
Turning your life topsy turvy…

In your vulnerability…you tried to shoo him away…
In your vulnerability…you hurled hurtful words just so he will walk away…
…go away now, when you still have the chance…
…go away now, before it’s too late…

But that’s the strangest thing…
He wouldn’t budge no matter what…he swallowed all the bitter words…
He braved the storms ahead…he smiled at you still holding his hand out…
For he knew something which you did not know…
For he believed something which you did not believe…
He believes that there is you and him…
He believes in us…

Throwing all cautions into the wind…
Taking the whirlwind romance in your stride…
You took his hand…you hold it tightly…
You no longer want to let go…you no longer want him to let go…
You open up your heart…you let him come into your heart…
Be gentle with my heart…you implore silently…
Be kind with my heart…you plead quietly…
For I give you my heart wholeheartedly…
For I offer you my life commitment…

Babe…
Thank you for the music…

Luv,
your valentine